February 2012 The American Legion ▪ Argonne Post 56 ▪ Sherwood, Oregon
Legion Officers
Commander:
Tom Harris
503-849-8183
First Vice:
Jim Field
503-625-6120
Second Vice:
Dave Ball
503-341-4032
Adjutant:
Don Dahl
503-473-1946
Finance:
Terry Reasor
503-590-0668
Chaplain:
Ken Sandquist
503-625-7569
Sgt. At Arms:
Ken Alexander
503-625-7801
Service Officer:
Vacant
503-625-5889
..
In the spirit of our annual chili-soup cook-off the following article about the alleged judging of a Texas chili contest is being republished this month. Judge 1 and 2 were native Texans and Judge 3 was a last minute tenderfoot substitute visiting from Oregon who stepped up when he found out judges get free beer. It was too good to pass up!
CHILI A: Mike's Maniac Monster Chili . . Judge 1 - A little too heavy on tomato with an amusing kick. Judge 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge 3 - Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff. It could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took 2 beers to put the flames out.
CHILI B: Austin's Afterburner Chili . . . Judge 1 - Smokey with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what to taste besides pain. I had to wave off 2 people wanting to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They rushed in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI C: Fred's Barn Burner Chili . . . Judge 1 - Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Judge 2 - A bit salty but good use of peppers. Judge 3 - Call the EPA! I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I've been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now so they got me more beer before I ignited. The barmaid pounded me so hard on my back that my backbone has become part of my chest.
CHILI D: Bubba's Black Magic Chili . . . Judge 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili. Judge 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid was standing behind me with cold suds - it helps wash down this nuclear waste I'm eating.
CHILI E: Little Lisa's Lip Remover Chili . . Judge 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive! Judge 2 - Chili using shredded beef. Could use more tomato. I must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement! Judge 3 - My ears are ringing! Sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I passed gas and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer on it directly from the pitcher. I wonder if this did burn my lips off. It pissed me off when the other judges told me to stop screaming.
CHILI F: Sue's Screaming Sensation Chili . Judge 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge 2 - Ho-hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last second. (I should note that I'm a bit concerned about Judge 3; he appears to be in a bit of distress.) Judge 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye. I can't hear a thing. My shirt is covered with chili and my pants are full of lava to match my shirt. I've decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI G: Big Tom's Toenail Curling Chili . . Judge 1 - A perfect ending - this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's place. Judge 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot. I'm sorry to see most of it was lost when Judge 3 fell over and pulled the chili pot over on top of himself. I wonder how he would of reacted to really hot Texas chili? Judge 3 - No report.
